Death is a very mysterious thing, especially what happens between death and life. Death of a very loved one is psychological torture and something equivalent to be dead yourself. Like the whole life of you also just moves out of your body in one go! You know that it is going to happen, you can foretell the time, but still a loss of a loved one, is something that cannot be dealt so easily. Its one of the big lesson what a person can ever be taught of.
Being born in a society which has a culture, a belief system that there is life after death, no one taught me ‘how to deal with death’, ‘how to deal with grief’, ‘how to grieve’ and ‘how to be alive again’. Many people loose their loved ones sometime during their lifetime, but I have seen them moving on with their routine in few days. I could not do it. A plain fact! May be I was way more attached than others or others already knew all answers to these questions. What more explanation can be given of it? I don’t have any!!
I am finally comfortable to voice out this topic which almost troubled me for past 4 years. Yes, it troubled me for 4 years. I lost 4 years. Experience in these four years has become a invaluable experience in my life. It has to be shared with as many people as it can go to! Not, everyone is inquisitive to find out, they lead life with same trouble till they go six feet under.
Somewhere in a new town emerged near Pune I am born to a very talented woman. I have not met anyone as empathetic, intelligent and talented woman in my twenty plus eight years! So, back to the story, I am not crying but trying to convey something to her and she is happily amused to listen to it. (this is around second day of my birth, I know I am a big baby!!) What I want to tell here is that a very strong bond is already there between us. I don’t know how many of us share this, but I did. I love her so much.
What happens when you watch that person dying a little everyday? What happens when that person finally dies?
I will tell you what happened to me.
What happened when I watched her dying a little everyday?
I was helpless! I could do nothing. I could not revitalize her body, her mind to what she might have been when she was just 18 years old, or what she was before she got married or what she was when is was just a kid. 6 years starting at around 2004 , a whole of 6 years I saw her fight with diabetes, with fear and enjoying happy moments while cooking, while going on long rides with me, just sitting around eating wada pav with me, saying nothing, but fulfilling my need of communication, of human company, of love. She knew me in and out.
See, I had such great love and friendship, that I did not need much friends.
Her conditions became much serious around last year of sixth year. What could I do then? Nothing!! Apart from taking her around, trying to make her happy. Nothing. I would also be angry at her many times, because deep down somewhere in my subconscious I also knew that she was going to leave me in a year. I spent my time getting distracted from this fact. Not that she could not walk or talk or not do daily things or she looked like she would die. But, awesome gift I have is I kind of know when people are going to die.
Last night of her life, she was strung in all pipes on a cot in a hospital, still trying to fight, but her organs giving up. One of Doctor came in, she said “She is going to die in few hours. My father died last year similarly.” A very honest, calm response she gave to me for I was almost awake for whole night. “Sleep right now. You will need energy later.” I slept. My mother slept for forever.
What happened after she died?
I had to become the responsible person arranging all the things around for Hindu rituals, getting the death certificate done. Closing down bank accounts, informing official authorities, attending to most idiotic and pathetic relatives who swarmed into house as if they owned it. I had to literally throw them out! Become the arrogant egoist bitch. I don’t get the point of people who never cared, who successfully ruined a marriage, who never came to help when it was really needed, swarmed in as if they owned everything! Seriously!
Was I really alive? I died when she died. All my inner body became cold. No heat inside of me. My feet did not warm up, I could not sleep. There were no emotions on my face. People were amazed. Whom was I supposed to tell what I felt? None of them were my best friend, or even closely a person who can understand me. I did try talking to a few, but then, the reply I got is, “I am not the friend you need now”. So, I told no one. It was my fight. I needed my mother to talk about this. Right?
First lesson: It is a personal fight. At the end your emotions are your own.
While some answered ‘no’, some unexpected people come in and say ‘yes’. They take care of you, love you up to their own capacity. I am a hydrogel when it comes to love. I got a lot from my mother and then sufficient from this one person who keeps it in a gel form! Your mind will know it.
Second Lesson: Your mind is still receptive and alive to accept pure form of love. Let it come.
I expected some people to become good. To understand what they have lost! But that did not happen!
Third lesson: People choose to be good or bad. No life altering situation will change them.
Then, did I think that my life was worthless? That what the hell am I doing being alive? That, is suicide a option to come out of all this pain? Did I get depressed? YES. I felt all of it!! I thought of it quite a many times.
But, then why did I think or felt all these things?
Simple, I was not prepared. I did not know what death actually meant. I did not how should I carry on, how exactly can I become happy without feeling guilty that I could not do anything. Without feeling guilty that I could not turn back time and put her in a new place full of opportunities. Its not like that I did not accept that she is dead, I am real good at accepting things. What I could not stop is missing her, all the time, avoiding calling out to her when I could not find things. How we actually stop it? You simply cant. What happens gradually is that void which is so clearly visible when you loose a person starts moving away from you. It becomes small, smaller, smaller, smaller, till the time you can speak of this person without being in pain.
Fourth Lesson: Pain subsides, void becomes smaller, someone loves you even you are that miserable.
What helped me becoming comfortable?
Books and complete solitude, literally no contact from outside world. No newspapers, no TV, no news reading, no meeting anyone, not talking to anyone. Completely alone. This is a best approach for a person like me who is introvert (INTJ if you want to put a label).
Books which will help anyone, of any kind of personality, of any ethnicity, of any gender, of any sex.
The ultimate and best: 3. The Tibetan Book of the Dead.
Fifth Lesson: You are still alive, so you have not finished what has to be done in this life! Just remember this and continue.
Did I cry while writing this? Yes.
Am I unhappy? No.
Sixth Lesson: Don’t rush into grieving. Take your time.
If you are going to a similar phase as I have mentioned here, get in touch with me, if you need help. Don’t worry.